


Awkwardly Boners

by HarpGuy



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, dave commentary, dave watches awkwardly, everything is awkward, mostly just awkward though, sort of porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 16:44:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/664206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarpGuy/pseuds/HarpGuy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider is forced to reluctantly watch Eridan and some guy from a different fandom altogether get a bit frisky on the sofa. It's horrible and traumatic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awkwardly Boners

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Runawayjoincircus](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Runawayjoincircus).



> This was requested as a birthday present by tumblr user Runawayjoincircus. She asked for "bad porn" and "Eridan/Zuko". This is the result, all written when tired enough to be somewhat uninhibited.   
> Far, far too much fun was had writing this.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are sitting with Rose Lalonde in a corner of the living room, unaware of just how uncomfortable you are about to be made. You are becoming a little bored of your friendly verbal sparring, however, and you begin to wonder if there is anything else that you could possibly do. Sighing slightly, you push your shades a little higher up your nose. Rose raises an eyebrow at this. “Am I that uninteresting?” she asks with a wry smile, “Or am I just keeping you from something far more important than our petty games?”

“Nah,” you reply, “I’m just a little restless. I kinda feel like something exciting should happen; life isn’t usually quite this fucking tedious and insipid”

She rolls her eyes, and is about to say something when the door bursts open. You look around to see who it is and groan quietly. Just your luck. Eridan fucking Ampora. He walks over to the sofa at the far side of the room and sits down, pointedly ignoring you. In response to this, you do the same, everyone sitting in silence and carefully not looking at one another. You glance at Rose; her mouth is set in a hard line of distaste. Clearly her feelings about Ampora are much the same as yours. You try not to notice as Eridan drapes himself artistically across the sofa. You don’t question it though; he has a tendency to do this sort of thing. 

After only a few more moments of awkward silence, the door opens once more. This time, however, you do not know the person who slips through it. Tall. Human. Burn scar across the left eye. He sidles into the room, staring threateningly around him from under his scruffy dark hair and walks over to the sofa where Eridan sits. You look at Rose again and she raises an eyebrow. This has the potential to be quite interesting. Returning your attention to the newcomer, you see him push Eridan’s legs off the sofa and sit down at the other end. The two of them sit motionless, staring darkly at one another, and you take the opportunity to examine him more closely. His clothes are made from a soft-looking, dark red material and trimmed with gold, leading you to believe that he is of a similar status to Eridan. This theory is backed by the fact that, while Ampora is hardly acting in a friendly manner towards him, he doesn’t seem too displeased by his arrival. You turn to Rose again. “Okay, sex is about to happen,” you whisper jokingly, and she smiles.   
The two princes (for so you have concluded they are) continue to glare at each other threateningly, still sitting cross-legged at opposite ends of the sofa. Eridan removes his glasses and cleans them on his scarf, maintaining eye contact all the while. The other prince leans forwards, still glaring at Eridan, who narrows his eyes and leans in. The tension is unbearable; everyone in the room is completely immobile, hardly even breathing. Suddenly the diorama frozen before you comes to life again and, darting in quickly, Eridan swoops in and plants his lips firmly on those of his new friend. He pulls back just as fast and resumes the glaring contest. You blink in surprise, and this time it’s the other prince who initiates the kiss. This one lasts for a lot longer, the two of them pressed almost immobile against each other, their faces tense and unmoving. The room is still completely silent as you look at Rose, who now has one eyebrow raised in what you assume to be surprise. 

You lean over to her. “Well,” you whisper softly, “that was unexpected”

Face held immobile in a slightly worried-looking smirk, she nods. “Yes,” she replies, “it was a bit. What do you think will happen next?”

“I haven’t a fucking clue, and frankly I don’t want to. Ampora’s a creep, and his new boyfriend looks just as bad! I think now would be an ideal fucking moment to just ollie outie and attempt to drown all memory of what we just saw in anything we can get our hands on. Fuck, even pouring bleach in my ears sounds like a good plan right now.”

Rose shakes her head and places her hand firmly on your arm. “We’re not going anywhere,” she whispers, “Look. Look at that.” 

You turn obligingly to look in the direction of her pointing finger and recoil in disgust. Eridan and his partner are still locked together, faces now relaxed somewhat, but their hands have moved. They each have a hand firmly clamped around the crotch of the other. Once again, this is not a sight you ever wanted to see. You glance over at Rose again, who is still staring at them, a delighted grin spreading across her face. You realise at that moment that you aren’t going to be able to get out of the room until they’ve finished. Fuck. This is going to be a very long evening. You notice that Ampora’s glasses have come off. Shit is clearly about to get serious.

You wish you could bring yourself to look away from the couple entwined on the sofa (well, they’re not really entwined as such. More like stuck), but you can’t. It really isn’t something you want to see, but you can’t help but watch in horror as that other guy (you really must find a better way to think of him) slides his hand up a little way and the silence of the room is broken by the sound of Eridan’s trousers being unzipped. Actually, you think, this might be of use. You’ve always wanted to know what troll junk looked like, and you feel it’s important to try to see the bright side of this situation. Shame it’s such a fucking miniscule bright side though – you can barely see it.

Rose has clearly had the same thought as you, but is less subtle about it. She leans in, trying to get a better view of the bizarre events unfolding in front of you. The guy with the scar pulls back from the kiss and slides his hand into Eridan’s trousers. He smiles darkly as Eridan’s whole body goes tense. Ampora swallows, his ear fins flapping back against his head, but he soon recovers from the initial shock and begins to move his hand too. He slides it up his partner’s groin and then pauses, his face twisting into a puzzled frown. The other guy notices and withdraws his hand, trying to work out what has put Ampora off. Eridan sighs softly and reaches out to the bottom of his friend’s tunic, lifting it slightly. His partner half smiles at this and shrugs the tunic off, revealing thin shoulders and a pale back. Eridan can now see the top of the other’s trousers and seems placated by this, leaning in for another kiss. You want to throw up, and you still haven’t caught even the most fleeting glimpse of any troll junk. This is proving a pretty shitty evening, all things considered.

This time, Eridan’s hand is the first to move. He places it on the other guy’s thigh and slides it slowly up. When he eventually reaches his partner’s crotch, he barely brushes the visible bulge with his fingertips, moving up instead to the cord which holds the other prince’s trousers in place. Fumbling at the knot awkwardly, it takes him a little while to undo it. During this time, his friend’s hand has slowly but steadily made its way back to his unzipped fly and is gently stroking away at his... whatever it is that has in there. You sneak a glance at Rose again, and are unsurprised to see that, judging by her smirk, she is still hugely entertained by the slightly surreal scene unfolding before you. When you turn back to the couple on the sofa, you see that the scarred prince has his other hand on Ampora’s scarf and is slowly pulling it off him, carefully ensuring that it doesn’t cut into the flesh of his neck at all. At last, Eridan manages to get the knot on the trousers of his partner undone and, pulling the front of the trousers towards him a little, slides his hand inside. Once again he freezes, frowning slightly, but this time he ignores whatever it is that is bothering him and returns his attention to the other’s body. You don’t know how much more of this you can bear; the very thought of what is likely to happen next makes you shiver in uncomfortableness.

The human prince, having removed the scarf, pulls his hand out of Eridan’s trousers and leans back, staring at his partner. Raising an eyebrow slightly, he reaches out and grabs Ampora’s shirt. Ampora rolls his eyes, lets go of his partner and raises his arms. The other guy quickly slides Eridan’s shirt off and raises an eyebrow. Huh. Clearly he wasn’t expecting the gill slits that run down the troll’s sides. He reaches out and runs a finger down one of them, and Eridan winces, grabbing his hand and pushing it away. Face betraying no emotion, the scarred prince reaches down again and sticks his hand back into Eridan’s trousers. You sigh. This is somehow traumatic and dull at the same time. You hope that they either stop or do something interesting soon. By the looks of things Rose feels the same way, although you reckon she would definitely prefer the latter.   
With his other hand, the guy with the scars gently eases down Eridan’s trousers. Great. Eridan Ampora naked was not a sight you ever wanted to experience. You close your eyes, unable to stomach the image. You respite is shortlived, however, as Rose begins to poke you repeatedly in the ribs. Damn. How could she even tell through your shades? She’s quite persistent, so in the end you open your eyes again and return your focus reluctantly to what is going on on the other sofa. You find it hard to believe they haven’t noticed the two of you, but oh well. Looks like they’re too wrapped up in each other. Fortunately not literally. Or at least, not yet. They are both naked by now though. 

You admire your fellow human for a moment while he is fully exposed to your view. Jesus, that's an impressive set of equipment he's got there. Eridan doesn’t seem awfully impressed by it though. If anything, he looks slightly scared of it. Well, you think, whatever it is trolls have down there, it’s not a dick. Fortunately, your view of the other prince’s naked body is blocked after a moment as he presses up against Ampora.

Damn, you think, what the fuck is going on in Eridan’s pants? Then you realise that’s a stupid thought; nothing is going on in Eridan’s pants. You can see that clearly; they’re lying on the floor by the sofa where they fell when he took them off. At that moment the full ridiculousness of your situation hits you once again like a slap in the face with a particularly awkward fish (or rather fishy troll, as the case may be). You are sitting on the floor and being forced by your magic ectobiological sister (or whatever she is) to watch one of your least favourite people rub his naked body against some other weirdo. Before now you would never have believed non-consensual voyeurism to be a thing. What the fuck went wrong with your life?

Rose is now leaning forwards slightly, gazing intently at Ampora and his horrific pelvic wriggling with a determined stare which borders on the predatory. Sometimes you worry about her. She spots you watching her from the corner of her eye and jerks her head towards the two young men on the sofa. It’s not like you’d forgotten about them; no matter how hard you try, you can’t block your ears against the sounds of heavy breathing and the faint slapping sounds of Eridan’s gill slits opening and closing down his chest as he gets more and more excited. It’s fucking sickening.

You curl up in the corner and hide your face for the next bit. You can’t bring yourself to watch.

There’s sex.

It’s horrific.

You want to cry.

And then they put their clothes back on and leave. 

After a while you hear Rose get up and leave too, but there’s no way in hell you’re coming out any time soon. You’ll never be able to look at either of them in the same way ever again.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are now feeling deeply disturbed.


End file.
